Hot Rod, the Governor
Warning: If you are somehow one of the twenty people in the entire state who supports the governor or are the single member of the House who unthinkably voted not to impeach Blago, please, don’t read any more. Instead, do us all a favor and find out what is wrong with yourself.
Before I begin, let me just say that this is a bleepin’ golden article and I didn’t give it up for bleepin’ nothing. But I digress. Unless you have pulled a bin Laden and have been living in a cave the last month, you know that Illinois is the laughingstock of the nation. Every other state has been having a jolly good laugh at us. SNL has been having a field day. And we have just one person to thank for it. The most arrogant, pompous politician to ever hold office, is our honorable and impeached, Governor, Rod R. Blagojevich.
The list of corruption Blago has his hand in is immense, but I’m going to talk about the latest escapade of this dim-witted dunce. On December 8th, Blago announced to the state, “I don’t believe there’s any cloud that hangs over me. I think there’s nothing but sunshine hanging over me.” Less than 24 hours later, the Feds, led by U.S. Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald, were at his doorstep to arrest him. “Is this a joke?” Blago remarked. No, Governor, the only joke is that you were aware you were being investigated for corruption and were being watched by the Feds and still you continued to run amok of the law. This time you were trying to sell President Obama’s vacant Senate seat all while your calls were being wiretapped. Eventually, you were caught red-handed. The following is from a November 3rd phone conversation: “I’m going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain. You hear what I’m saying? And if I don’t get what I want, and if I’m not satisfied with it, then I’ll just take the Senate seat myself…It’s a bleepin’ valuable thing, you don’t just give it away for nothing.”
The evidence against you is damning yet you are so full of yourself you are proclaiming your innocence. I mean, I know you only scored an 18 on your ACT but, come on, how stupid can you be. I’ve never seen anyone with more hair than brains. And while we’re on the topic of hair, quit trying to look like Donald Trump. The Don’s hair is much better than yours. Yours just looks like a toupee on top of a toupee.
Still, though, you keep on keeping on trying to put yourself in a good light. Your defiance of an entire nation occurred when you named Roland Burris to the Senate. Somehow, he’s been seated. Even when you don’t try, you’re still putting your name out there…Those open road tolling signs with your name on them. Yeah, those are starting to make me violently ill every time I drive under one. The worst, though, is the coverage of you jogging around your North-side neighborhood. I really hope you break your leg by tripping in a pothole. We have plenty of those around. The pothole repair crews must really be busy. What’s that? Oh, none of them gave you a monetary donation so now none of them have the job. Wow, what a shame. But that’s how it goes, right Governor? Pay to play through and through.
I was able to get a good idea about how some of our faculty members feel about you, Mr. Blago.
Mr. V: “He is a disgrace to the state. He is delusional and he must step down now.”
Mr. Drye: “I think it’s funny and typical of Illinois. And to all those morons who voted for him- Reap it!”
Mrs. Elliot: “He is a disgrace to our state and his office. He must be removed in the most expedient way possible. And I’m a Democrat saying this.”
Ms. Marino: “In the bigger picture, Blagojevich has lost his way. He has forgotten he is a public servant. He’s now in it for personal gain. In our country, the government serves the people, not the reverse way. Our founding fathers had the principle of limited government, and politicians like Blagojevich are the reason for that. This corruption is characteristic of social-welfare state politics.”
Well done, Blago. You went four-for-four amongst the faculty I interviewed. But I can’t knock you for everything. In fact, it can be noted that you’ve done something that no other previous Illinois governor has accomplished. Oh, I know previous governors have been arrested, including your predecessor, George Ryan. But no one was ever arrested while in office. Congratulations, Blago! Enjoy your last few days in office. I can’t wait to see you go jogging in an orange prison suit.
